I Wish I Was Drummer "The Rev" Jimmy Sullivan; I Let My Mom Die, Alone.
Posted: Tuesday, December 29, 2009
by Michael Gaffley
flatlinetochange
I had a dream that this year I was going to take my mom on a cruise this Christmas holiday. We were going to get on the cruise ship in Fort Lauderdale and sail to the Western Caribbean. We were going to have fun, wine, dine and dance. We were going to dress up and attend all the shows on the cruise. We were going to make new friends. Mom and I would be the center of attraction.
All I have left of this dream are the regrets. This dream cruise never happened. Its undoing was subtle, and with hindsight, profound. I was young. I was beautifully and delightfully attractive. I was smart. I was suave. I was ready for adventure. I felt free. I gave myself license to just feel and fall and bid farewell to parental admonishing.
Hello to the land of risk taking and youthful gusto and bravery. Well mom and I saved up for the cruise because we had limited financial means. We selected clothes and bought it on a layaway plan. We selected the cruise and the excitement mounted. We got so excited when we read magazines or watched television and saw advertisements for our cruise. Mom had worked hard at two jobs to put me through school and now I was at college. We were telling everyone about our dream cruise. We cut out pictures and built a collage of our dream cruise.
Well in March I met this boy. We started to hang out more and more. We listened to heavy metal, deep purple, underground music. Avenged Sevenfold was one of our favorite groups. We got some tattoos. Mom did not like him. Mom said that she had an awkward feeling about him. Mom said that I was changing. Well I got more and more hooked on him and then he introduced me to his stuff. It was cool. I felt rejuvenated. I got hooked more and more and saw less and less of mom.
In June mom called to say that she was feeling sick and that she was missing me because she had not seen for more than a month. I promised to come home the next weekend but did not go. In July mom called again and said that she was going into hospital for surgery, could I please come. I promised to come home and to see her in hospital but did not.
Meanwhile I was hanging out more and more with my boyfriend and his friends. It was cool. I felt rejuvenated. I felt good. I felt loved and thought that, no, knew that I did not need moms love anymore. I was skipping classes. I was missing assignment deadlines. I was called in by my professors. I felt great to be the center of attention. When I came back from the phone call with mom and told my boyfriend that mom wanted to see me, he got angry and slapped me. That was the first of many times of abuse.
It was a colder October morning when I got a call from the hospital to say that mom had passed away. Mom died wanting to speak with me. Mom left a note which I have not read yet. I attended mom's funeral. It was so sad to see her go with that one eyelid that just would not close. When I returned to campus from the funeral I found my boyfriend in bed with my best friend. I felt momentarily rejuvenated and then reality burst on the scene. It was ugly. I left battered and bruised. I picked up the remaining pieces of my sanity and self esteem and stumbled to my own apartment that had not seen me for months.
I pulled myself to myself and got all the counseling help and supportive friendships I could get. It was not easy. I was dying to my old life and at the same time giving birth to an emerging new life. I slipped into the back of the youth room at church. I felt embarrassed. I felt alone. I felt the guilt and shame. I was wondering what they were thinking about me. I braced myself for their questions. I steeled myself for the worst.
November came and I started to prepare for finals. The air was still heavy, the smell toxic. It was cold. No, I was cold and alone. I missed my mom. Today the letter came to say that our passage was paid in full and that wished us bon voyage. I started crying and screaming like a Sportster with Vance and Hines exhaust pipes. I pulled my hair. I tore my clothes. I called home. I wanted my mom.
Today is December 29, 2009. I have just returned from Port Everglades where I waved goodbye to the vessel of our dream cruise. I gave the tickets to a couple down our street that would never have been able to afford a cruise. I waved them goodbye. It is even colder today. I just wished that someone, anyone would put their arms around me and hold me. I just wished that things were different. I just wished that I could rev the engine of my lonely life and that I could cruise away from all this pain and the memories of letting mom down.
As I pulled into our street with mom's car, I saw a car in our driveway. I recognized the car. It was him. I was scared. What should I do? Should I turn back? Am I safe? He got out of his car and smiled at me. I was nervous. I got out of my car. He apologized. Something was different. He was clean. He told me that he had leukemia and that he had three months to live. I did not cry. I felt bitter and blamed him for my lot. He just listened and then he whispered gently that he too had turned over a new leaf. That he too had found forgiveness and that he too turned back to the foundation laid by his believing parents. He told me that his father was a pastor. He told me that sometimes young people go on a wrong road in order to find their identity. Young people rebel against their good and Godly parents because they do not want to be like their parents whom they consider to be jerks and hypocrites.
I just stood there. I was frozen. He got into his car and left. I do not know whether I will ever see him again. I wanted to be James "The Rev" Owen Sullivan. I too wanted to die. I prayed that I could just drop dead. I was seeing the conflicting images of my past. I remembered how he slapped me. How we did our thing, how rejuvenated I felt and how badly I treated my beloved mom.
I walked back into the empty house. I caught a glimpse on the television of the cruise ship leaving Port Everglades. Now I was waving mom goodbye on that cruise ship. She was smiling at me. I was saying hello to my new life. I have found my faith and this time the anchor will hold even f I let go. I will join you one day on our celestial cruise, mom. Mom I will listen to you as I read your letter. 'Bye mom!
Please read my story to your children. Let them join www.searchwarp.com
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Hello to the land of risk taking and youthful gusto and bravery. Well mom and I saved up for the cruise because we had limited financial means. We selected clothes and bought it on a layaway plan. We selected the cruise and the excitement mounted. We got so excited when we read magazines or watched television and saw advertisements for our cruise. Mom had worked hard at two jobs to put me through school and now I was at college. We were telling everyone about our dream cruise. We cut out pictures and built a collage of our dream cruise.
Well in March I met this boy. We started to hang out more and more. We listened to heavy metal, deep purple, underground music. Avenged Sevenfold was one of our favorite groups. We got some tattoos. Mom did not like him. Mom said that she had an awkward feeling about him. Mom said that I was changing. Well I got more and more hooked on him and then he introduced me to his stuff. It was cool. I felt rejuvenated. I got hooked more and more and saw less and less of mom.
In June mom called to say that she was feeling sick and that she was missing me because she had not seen for more than a month. I promised to come home the next weekend but did not go. In July mom called again and said that she was going into hospital for surgery, could I please come. I promised to come home and to see her in hospital but did not.
Meanwhile I was hanging out more and more with my boyfriend and his friends. It was cool. I felt rejuvenated. I felt good. I felt loved and thought that, no, knew that I did not need moms love anymore. I was skipping classes. I was missing assignment deadlines. I was called in by my professors. I felt great to be the center of attention. When I came back from the phone call with mom and told my boyfriend that mom wanted to see me, he got angry and slapped me. That was the first of many times of abuse.
It was a colder October morning when I got a call from the hospital to say that mom had passed away. Mom died wanting to speak with me. Mom left a note which I have not read yet. I attended mom's funeral. It was so sad to see her go with that one eyelid that just would not close. When I returned to campus from the funeral I found my boyfriend in bed with my best friend. I felt momentarily rejuvenated and then reality burst on the scene. It was ugly. I left battered and bruised. I picked up the remaining pieces of my sanity and self esteem and stumbled to my own apartment that had not seen me for months.
I pulled myself to myself and got all the counseling help and supportive friendships I could get. It was not easy. I was dying to my old life and at the same time giving birth to an emerging new life. I slipped into the back of the youth room at church. I felt embarrassed. I felt alone. I felt the guilt and shame. I was wondering what they were thinking about me. I braced myself for their questions. I steeled myself for the worst.
November came and I started to prepare for finals. The air was still heavy, the smell toxic. It was cold. No, I was cold and alone. I missed my mom. Today the letter came to say that our passage was paid in full and that wished us bon voyage. I started crying and screaming like a Sportster with Vance and Hines exhaust pipes. I pulled my hair. I tore my clothes. I called home. I wanted my mom.
Today is December 29, 2009. I have just returned from Port Everglades where I waved goodbye to the vessel of our dream cruise. I gave the tickets to a couple down our street that would never have been able to afford a cruise. I waved them goodbye. It is even colder today. I just wished that someone, anyone would put their arms around me and hold me. I just wished that things were different. I just wished that I could rev the engine of my lonely life and that I could cruise away from all this pain and the memories of letting mom down.
As I pulled into our street with mom's car, I saw a car in our driveway. I recognized the car. It was him. I was scared. What should I do? Should I turn back? Am I safe? He got out of his car and smiled at me. I was nervous. I got out of my car. He apologized. Something was different. He was clean. He told me that he had leukemia and that he had three months to live. I did not cry. I felt bitter and blamed him for my lot. He just listened and then he whispered gently that he too had turned over a new leaf. That he too had found forgiveness and that he too turned back to the foundation laid by his believing parents. He told me that his father was a pastor. He told me that sometimes young people go on a wrong road in order to find their identity. Young people rebel against their good and Godly parents because they do not want to be like their parents whom they consider to be jerks and hypocrites.
I just stood there. I was frozen. He got into his car and left. I do not know whether I will ever see him again. I wanted to be James "The Rev" Owen Sullivan. I too wanted to die. I prayed that I could just drop dead. I was seeing the conflicting images of my past. I remembered how he slapped me. How we did our thing, how rejuvenated I felt and how badly I treated my beloved mom.
I walked back into the empty house. I caught a glimpse on the television of the cruise ship leaving Port Everglades. Now I was waving mom goodbye on that cruise ship. She was smiling at me. I was saying hello to my new life. I have found my faith and this time the anchor will hold even f I let go. I will join you one day on our celestial cruise, mom. Mom I will listen to you as I read your letter. 'Bye mom!
Please read my story to your children. Let them join www.searchwarp.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Totally powerful and thought provoking piece! A great read any time but especially New Year's Eve... how did the blue suit work out? We saw the fireworks on Poke's Peak! MarijoWell I donned cream and blue. Stunning. Happy New Year
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