On The Sudden Death Of Your Child
Posted: Friday, March 06, 2009
by Michael Gaffley
flatlinetochange
Yesterday, my daughter called me to tell me about the sudden death of a twenty year old fellow student. Oh what grief in the hearts of his parents. Oh how it must have felt like a sword ripping through their hearts. I was momentarily numb. I intellectualized about death for a fleeting second. I imagined and dealt with grief as love that has had its object and lost it. My thoughts and prayers immediately went out to his parents. Parents never overcome the death of their child. I thought about the words of Psalm 39:9 I was dumb, I will not open my mouth. Death makes a parent dumb with silence. I was thinking about what to do and what to say to my daughter and to his parents whom I do not know. I was yet again reminded of the brevity of life and how we expect older people to die but the death of a young person still comes as a surprise.
Death seems to be so final. You cannot bargain with death. You can only cooperate with death whether timely or untimely. I believe that death is not termination but mere separation. I also believe that life with a Savior leads to an endless hope. Life without a Savior is a hopeless end. Even believing this it is still difficult to deal with death. When my mom and dad died, I was stunned into silence. My mom died in my arms. What a contrast between life and death. What a contrast between breathing and not breathing.
No one can ever understand the grief of a parent over the death of a child, even if the child was wayward, difficult or hard to please. I know from my work with abused children that you become most attached to the child that was most troublesome. In death everything is made beautiful. Gone are the hard words that were said. Gone are the threats and the conflict. The deceased entertains no dialogue. You are subsequently left with your own "bubble" talk.
I pray that we will find ways to help others deal with death. I pray that we will dialogue with our young people about death because talking about death is as important as talking about sex, secrets and studies. I pray that we will co-create an epidemic of social support networks that can be a comfort as we grieve. I pray that we will have a vibrant faith because by the same faith that you live by, you will die by.
Please feel free to share your own article about death on Searchwarp.
This Article has been viewed 1,345 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)Michael,I've recently had a similar experience to yours. A former boyfriend (whom I had never met) of my niece died suddenly last week. I was struck with grief for the parents I haven't seen in years. I saw a photo from the graveside showing the coffin being lowered & was pierced with the thought "How does one go about putting a box in the ground that contains the body of their child??". Your description of being struck dumb seems like it must be very accurate.Jean,Your thoughts are appreciated
Wonderfully, heartfelt article, Michael. I could never imagine losing a child, although, I lost a younger sister. I was too young to really understand death and how permanent it was. I think I would go crazy if I lost one of my children or grandchildren. I could only look to God for strength.Thanks you for such a sensitive view of something that must be devastating.SandraSharing with people like you makes it bearable
Having seen so many children die n the NICU I can tell you this. Nothing in this world pierces the heart more completely or is more debilitating than the cry of a mother over her dead child. It is a sound that permeates every cell of every person in the room- instantly. It s complete and utter grief that cannot be comforted or diminished but with time.Great article.Thank you for adding to the insight into this phenomenon. Pain Personified
greatly so
I have several friends that have lost their children lately and I could only be there for them. I hope that I may never have that experience either. Thank you for such a heartfelt article.Linda DeWittLinda your feedback is appreciated.
I nearly lost my eldest son as a baby. Thank God for Children's Hospital in Boston. My youngest son was 2 months early. In the early 70's the neonatal units were not as they are now.I lost my daughter at a few months after her 13th birthday, in a drowning accident, after being in a coma for 4 months. Now nearly 32 years later, the pain is still there, although now my sons and I can remember without sudden silence. Inside I shut down and didn't cry for 20 years. When I finally did, I couldn't stop.The pain never quite goes away. There is always that hollow spot which can never be filled. But we survive, and as long as we, the family, are here and remember, then the person we lost will still be here. I think I was angry because, she never went on that first date or dance or did so many other things we take for granted.As a mother who has gone through it, I would advise the family to get professional help. I was lucky enough to work at a major university, and was able to get my son's the professional help they needed. It was not easy, my youngest was only seven while his brother was ten. Both went through some very rough periods. The youngest got into fights and his brother became very argumentative and turned to alcohol.
Thank God for the military and a Petty Officer who took my eldest under his wing. Today, both the boys have families and are very close to their children.
We survive but there is an empty space which should not be there. Thanks for your article which says one very important fact. Faith is what gets us through.
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.